Accessible Grammys (or, Help Shy Shy Fans Recognize Who’s Who)**

Who the hell is singing?

You know what would make the Grammy Awards more enjoyable? At least for me and my peers? Just knowing who I was looking at on the screen.

The Grammys need to be made age accessible.

Even famous operas now use supertitles to help the viewer understand what they are hearing. But I watch the Grammy Awards and I am left confused about what I am witnessing. Who are these people?

Yes, I can still listen to the music. And hear it on its own merits, unbiased by the names performing it. Maybe that’s better?

But an awards show is about names, their place in the music industry, and about mixing and matching brands and genres. And yes, I do hear and enjoy some pop music, and I read and hear about the names of pop performers, composers, producers. But I can’t always match up name, face, song, song title.

Who’s the guy with tattoos on his face?

What’s that song with the whistling?

Who’s the girl with big feathers? The one with the snake?

Is Post Malone a successor to Malone?

How do you pronounce “H.E.R.”? Otherwise, what do the letters stand for? Wouldn’t it be better to have everything revealed?

And I’m sorry, but when I think SZA, I think Sizzlers Steakhouse.

And is “world music” (the old category name) any different than “global music” (the new category as of a couple years ago)? Is it less “worldly” and more “global”? (“Worldly” seems to have some implications that go beyond “global.” Perhaps better to stick with “global” than have to explain what those implications are.)

The answers to these and many other compelling music questions are probably here, on the Grammy show I am now watching.

But I am lost.

How about having supertitles or labels identifying who is on the screen at any given time? And name of the song? That would mean a lot. Then I would know what Lady Gaga was singing.

And that the woman was in fact Lady Gaga and not Doja Cat. Or Doja Gaga. (And definitely not Kajagoogoo—something we Grammy-impaired watchers might remember with joy—or embarrassment.)

There is hope. One easily recognizable starlet made it big this year. And at 65 years of age, she’s in my peer group—Barbie. Who knew she’d one day dominate the Grammy Awards? (Well, maybe Fortune Teller Barbie knew it, which is a real Barbie, as is Chief Sustainability Officer Barbie and Vice Presidential Candidate Barbie. Just like what little girls have always dreamed of being! And now we have Grammy-Award Winning Barbie.)

And even Bernie Sanders has a nomination—for Best Audio Book, Narration, and Storytelling Recording. But he’s up against Michelle Obama and William Shatner. (By the way, I just read an essay saying President Biden is losing favor among young people. And the solution proposed was to assure Sanders and Elizabeth Warren were working hard on the campaign trail. I’m sure young people will really be energized by that!)

But thank God, or Krishna, in support of our generation, The Beatles are nominated—for Best Music Video? Is that allowed? The song is almost 60 years old—almost as old as Barbie. And it’s up against Troye Sivan and Kendrick Lamar. Some tough competition there.

(And speaking of musical hierarchies, Billboard magazine a couple years ago announced on the cover of its magazine that the Greatest Song of All Time is…The Weeknd’s Blinding Lights. Blinding Lights? I’ve never heard “Blinding Lights.” Has anyone heard the song? And it surpassed Chubby Checker’s The Twist, a song danced to at bar mitzvahs and weddings and parties for decades. I would think everyone on the planet knows The Twist. Am I missing something here? (Actually, it’s The Weeknd who’s missing something…) I can criticize Billboard here with some degree of authority—I was once Billboard’s Production Director.)

I love music. But please make the Grammys age accessible with some useful information, some identifiers, some buoys in the turbulent deep sea of pop music.

Anyway, I ask myself, what was I made for? The anti-hero, a vampire, is on my mama, and I’m not strong enough to kill Bill. But I do worship flowers.*

And if you didn’t understand that last paragraph, you are differently Grammy-impaired than I am. You must be too shy shy. (See Kajagoogoo.)

*All the song titles for Record of the Year nominees are in that paragraph.

** The title “Help Shy Shy Fans Recognize Who’s Who” was actually generated by the AI website Headline Hero. I was amused and impressed.